Mila Dvoretskaya ( milochka99@nursat.kz )

Russian

My development (I mean a spiritual one) goes stick-slipy, and each transition to a new step occurs after a long train of problems (both on external and on the internal plan), loss of spiritual balance, illnesses etc. In such periods I am just compelled to work hard at myself, but then, after the end of the next strip of troubles, I just physically feel transition to a new level of self-consciousness, I feel how my eyes open on some problem etc. But all attempts to work at myself to prevent an occurrence of "a black strip" did not have any success, even in that case troubles had occurred. However my attitude to every possible troubles has been changed a lot, as soon as there is something disturbing me very much, I begin to observe of myself with curiosity, I begin to wait what will change in me this time (it is not given to me to foresee in what direction there will be a progress either).

Last transition I was able really "to touch", not by hands, but by my legs. During long time I did all my best to work with my dreams, I want to make their controlled (by K. Kastaneda), to program or even to understand everything what is spoken to me through them. It is not so bad with understanding, but with controllability or planning I did not have any success. Not so a long time ago I had a strong stress connected with my private life (it was necessary to take 2 tablets of relanium per a day for keeping some kind of efficiency). I lay down to the sofa to have a little rest after dinner and suddenly I have seen my hands having a dream, I have lifted them to eyes (the parameter of dream's controllability by Kastaneda)! It is not necessary to say that going to have a nap on my favorite sofa I would like just to relax, I did not think about work with dreams at all, but, nevertheless, it has taken place!

In this dream I walked barefoot on different surfaces, at first there was a coast of the sea with soft, damp sand, then sand was replaced by smooth, grinded by water shingle; from sea coast I was transferred on a meadow with a soft juicy grass, it was damp too, growing on small tussocks, then I walked on well trampled soil. The sensation was unforgettable! I felt each step by soles of my feet! All surfaces were various, it was not so comfortable to walk on a rough meadow (I counted each step, being afraid to stumble, being afraid of pain), the shingle also slowed down my walking, it was not so confortable to walk there, but THERE WAS NO ANY PAIN!

I woke up being the different person - all problems, because of which I took a strong tranquilizer, suddenly become small, insignificant, and, what is the most important, NOT HURTING ANY PAIN. All was over. As always it ended good with progress in my development. Yes, life is different, something disturbs us, something causes a pain, even strong, but anything terrible does not occur. And it should be so, because it is LIFE…

However not only negative emotions influence on my life. I seem I already have learned to give them a leak, but with positive ones it is still impossible. Very often at the moment of good luck when all is successful, the businesses are solved by themselves and with my benefit, I begin to find myself in a flow of energy of Supreme forces, I could feel their conductivity and benevolent favour to me. Physically it is perceived so: I feel I'm fulfilled by energy from my top to the heels, this energy overflows me and begins to vibrate. And this vibration can be felt very well physically, I feel how each cell of my body shivers, there is a constant tinnitus in my ears (maybe the similar like can be after taking ORMUS and flow of kundalini). But the energy should find an exit, it needs a leak and it begins to fill space around of me, it begins to vibrate too and I see it by physical sight.

In some moment I begin to frighten by that what is occurring, and I try to find some exit for this energy (I had a negative experience connected to finding myself in a flow of energy several weeks. Then all around me began to collapse, I did not have any success, but the sensation of finding in a flow of energy remained constant). I seem I just "suppress" this energy, tinnitus in my ears stops, vibration stops too, and I enter the next "normal" period of life. To the following "black" or "successful" strip…

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